Madden Madness : Week 5.0

Lordy, lordy! I got distracted by fresh bratwurst from Whole Foods and forgot all about Madden Madness this week. Fret not, friends, for here is your Madden quote, although I admittedly did not participate in a full viewing despite a somewhat interesting game:

Mason, here, was wide open. There was no one on him.

This is actually a common statement from announcers all over announcer land: defining the term "wide open" for the viewers at home. Needless to say, "wide open" is no lower than number seven on any basic football vocabulary list; it lies only behind words like "ball" and "run" and "field". It may even be ahead of "touchdown" (but only because "touchdown" requires the memorization of the number 6). "Wide open" does not need a definition attached to it whenever used. There are words and phrases in our language whose definitions pulse through the veins of all men and women like some primordial truth, "wide open" is one of them.

So, why is it that the term cannot be uttered on a football broadcast without a clarification?

"I MEAN, THERE WAS NO ONE WITHIN A MILE OF HIM!" Yes, that is what you mean; and it's why you said he was "wide open" in the first place.

Meanwhile, viewers at home are left to explain to other viewers at home the more complex terms that led to the wide open receiver, like "play action" or "pump fake". Surprisingly, you'll never hear, "What a pump fake! He pretended like he was going to throw it and then didn't!"

Now, I'll admit. John Madden does tend to be better than most when it comes to explaining the workings of a football game during a broadcast. Sometimes, it's simple stuff; sometimes, it's obscure (did anybody else hear that thing about the free kick?). Generally, it's a good mix.

But we all have brief slumps of intelligence, and fortunately, John Madden has at least one every week! Tune in next week for Madden Madness : Week 6.0, poignantly subtitled "WTF?". Yes, ladies and gents, Monday Night Football selects St. Louis vs. Tampa Bay, and the world scratches its collective head.